Lookalike
by crematosis
Summary: Steve is outraged when the media catches Tony sleeping with a prostitute. But Bucky knows why Tony chose that particular prostitute. And he's going to make sure Steve knows it too.


A/N: I didn't know how this got into my head since I don't usually write anything involving prostitution...until I remembered my friend complaining about a prostitute Steve fic she had read recently...and I guess I just had to fix it.

Disclaimer: Blah blah Marvel stuff, blah blah.

"A prostitute, Stark?" Steve growled, tossing the disciplinary report down onto the conference table with more force than necessary.

Everyone else around the table turned to look at Tony. He was studiously avoiding looking anyone in the face, Bucky noticed. An odd reaction from the man who was usually the first to argue with Steve even when he knew he was in the wrong.

Steve shoved the folder towards Tony. "Just look at this mess. Just about every sleazy tabloid out there has pictures of the two of you, and the guy's making statements to the press. What the hell were you thinking?"

From where Bucky was sitting at Steve's side, he could see the veins bulging out of his neck. Shit, this was probably the angriest he had ever seen him. And all because of some prostitute?

Tony looked down at the table. "Should have had him sign a non-disclosure agreement first," he muttered.

"This isn't funny," Steve said. "Do you realize how bad this is for our image?"

"Not the first time I've been caught sleeping around," Tony said with a sigh. "Is it somehow worse because it's a man?"

"It's because he's a prostitute," Steve hissed. "Probably a hotbed of STDs that you'll end up passing on to Pepper if you ever decide to go back to her. And trust me, the press will not forgive you for that."

"For fuck's sake, Steve. I made him wear a condom."

"Oh, so you can think things through. Could have fooled me."

Natasha's face was frozen in an expression of horrified surprise and Bruce was hunched down in his seat like he wanted nothing more than to disappear under the table and wait for Steve's anger to blow over.

"Steve," Bucky said quickly, hoping to steer the debriefing onto other topics. "Does SHIELD have any ideas for-"

"We can only hope you didn't sleep with one of Hydra's spies," Steve snapped, either not hearing or choosing to ignore Bucky's words. "That's what hookers do. They fish for information they can use to blackmail you with later or they sell it somebody else. Do you know how many times during the war I caught my men sleeping around with German prostitutes because they were homesick? And do you know how many times those innocent German girls turned out to be working with the German army?"

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut. "Damn it, Steve. We're not at war anymore. And if we all carried on like anybody could be a Hydra spy, we'd never walk out the front door."

"He should know better," Steve insisted. He flipped open the file and read off the first page. "Igor Stanislav. Convicted for armed robbery, assault, petty theft, and two counts of fraud."

Tony exhaled noisily. "Okay, you got me. He's a bad dude. Not sleeping with him again. Is that what you want to hear?"

Clint slid one of the photos out of the file and grimaced. "Jesus, what a face. Yeah, this guy looks exactly like an Igor." He tipped his head to one side. "He's kind of buff, though. Just like Cap. Well, if he got hit with the ugly stick a few times." He chuckled. "Imagine the scandal if some idiot mistook him for Cap."

His laughter died down as Steve gave him a stone-faced glare. Clint cleared his throat and gingerly slipped the photograph back into the file. "Yeah, I guess it would be bad if some rumor like that started."

Bucky reached over and gently flipped the folder closed. "This is a learning experience for all of us," he said delicately. "Tony's going to be a little more careful about the people he fucks in the future and you-"

"Yeah," Steve said, returning his glare to Tony. "Stop sleeping with strangers. Especially prostitutes. But maybe you've run out of people willing to sleep with you for free."

Bucky's jaw dropped. "Steve!"

Tony rose from his seat. "Maybe those people weren't the ones I wanted to sleep with."

"Sit down," Steve barked. "I'm not done with you yet."

"Yeah, well, I am," Tony said. He stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Bucky dropped his head down on the conference table with a thunk. "That went well."

"Yeah," Steve said with a sigh. "As well as we could hope, given his track record."

Bucky raised his head and glared at Steve. "No, you asshole. Everything went to shit when you started fucking attacking him."

Steve blinked, looking startled to find himself caught in Bucky's wrath. "Buck, I was just-"

"No, you were being a bully. Who the hell are you and what have you done with my boyfriend? Because the Steve I know doesn't pull this shit."

"I'm just going to go check up on Tony," Bruce said quietly.

"Me too," Clint said quickly. "Tasha, you with me?"

She nodded and the three of them exited the room like they were being chased by Hydra.

Bucky's eyes narrowed. Perfect. Now he had Steve all to himself.

Steve turned his chair to the side and reached for Bucky's hand. "Honey," he said uncertainly. "Why are you mad at me?"

Bucky yanked his hand back. "You're not paying attention to a damn thing around you. You heard what Clint said, didn't you?"

"Of course I did. Stark slept with some crook that looks a little like me."

"You're not listening," Bucky hissed. "He only slept with the guy because he looks a little like you. And maybe if he closed his eyes, just concentrated on his body, he could almost pretend it was you."

Steve opened his mouth to argue some more, but Bucky cut him off. "I was just like them, you know. Sleeping around with every whore I could find because I missed the hell out of you and wished we had gotten together before I shipped out. And for awhile, it helped. But none of those skinny blonde waifs was ever as good as the real deal."

"Bucky," Steve said quietly. "You never told me about this."

Bucky shrugged. "Well, you came back. Bigger and better than ever. I didn't want to think about all those others when I had you. But, honestly, if you hadn't fallen in love with me when you came back, I would have been just like Tony, working my way through anybody and everybody until I ended up with some big, blonde dick to ease the pain. And he would have definitely been a spy. But you just have that effect on people, darling. Once we fall for you, it's hard to move on."

Steve sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "So what am I supposed to do about this?"

"Well, as I see it, you have a couple options. Option number one is you keep being a dick to him and eventually love will turn to hate. But it'll make continuing to work with him really hard."

"And option number two?"

Bucky waggled an eyebrow suggestively.

"No," Steve said immediately. "I'm not leaving you for him."

"That would be option number three," Bucky said. "Which I hope it doesn't come down to."

"So, what's option number two, then?"

"All of us," Bucky said. "You, me, Tony. One big happy fucking family."

"That's never going to work."

"Why not? We won't know until we try it."

"Because I don't even like him the way-"

"Oh, don't give me that shit," Bucky said irritably. "He's the only one alive capable of working you up like this. If Clint had been fucking around, you would have given him a disappointed look, a little talk about discretion and that would have been it. But you care about Tony. You wouldn't be this upset about it if you didn't know that you'd be better for him than this Igor dipshit."

"But, Bucky, you-"

"Don't worry about me," Bucky said, leaning in close to Steve, almost close enough to kiss him. "I'm pretty fond of him myself." He pulled back abruptly. "Now, excuse me. I've got to go apologize to him for all the shit you said. You can come if you want to."

He started briskly for the door of the conference room, smirking as he heard Steve's groan behind him and the chair creak.

Yep, this was all going to work out just fine.


End file.
